


Close Your Ears!

by MamaZoom



Category: The Mighty Boosh (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-29
Updated: 2013-01-29
Packaged: 2017-11-27 11:24:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/661439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MamaZoom/pseuds/MamaZoom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Summery/Prompt: "Vince & Howard crashing at Leroy's after a night of drinking. They sleep on his bedroom floor with blankets. You describe as Leroy what you can make out and hear."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Close Your Ears!

12, September, 2009

 

Dear Diary,

It's was three a.m. before we made it back to my flat. Howard (who didn't even want to go out in the first place) was hanging between me and Vince like some drunk-arse monkey and we were two banana trees. Ridiculous the way that man leads his life, I'm tellin' ya! Poor Vee was trying to hold him up straight, but he's even more willowy now from the GI diet. I tried telling him. I said: "Look Vincey, you need to work out while your on this diet or you're just gunna lose muscle mass and not fat", but did he listen?! NO! You can't tell that man-child anything! Plus Howard weighs as much as a walrus (you see the mustache connection, yeah?) and it did nothing to help the situation.

So, there Vince was, struggling to keep Howard in an upright position and preventing him from eating pavement while slinging the fringe out of his eyes, (which still looked great, by the way. Even after a night of clubbing, drenched in dance floor sweat and fallin' into his eyes, he manages to keep it lookin' on the up. I gotta ask him how he does that.) nearly fallin' over in his Cuban heels.

We finally got the great big Northern hippo down the street and up the stairs to my flat without any major accidents, thank Jagger! Last thing Vince and I need to do is give Howard something else to add to his "List Of Why My Life Is A Black Abyss of Agony". Otherwise known as his life story.

I had a mate already sleeping on the sofa, and my place is tiny, so this presented a problem. Where to put them?! It was too late for them to go back home. I wouldn't have made them do that anyway. Could you imagine Vince trying to get Howard through the shop, up the stairs and into their room without waking and angering that tiny hostile shaman they live with?! Not a chance!

So we stood in the kitchen for a few minutes trying to figure out what to do. Howard slurred a suggestion which sounded like "Hmph ma fuff lump kay?", but we ignored him.

Finally it hit me: They could sleep on my floor!

I told Vince my brilliant plan and he got excited like he does. "Yeah, it'll be genius! Just like back in the Zoo days, right 'Oward?!"

To which Howard responded: "MA FUFF LUMP, KAY?!"

We never did find out what he meant by that.

Vince thought it would be a good idea if we got some bread and coffee into Howard before we all went to bed so he wouldn't be in an awful state in the morning. It was a great plan and it worked real well, too. By the fourth slice of bread and second cup of coffee, Howard was actually speaking full sentences. It's always amazing to see how well they know each other. I would have never thought to have done that myself!

We all wobbled back to my bedroom and stripped down to our vest and pants. I laid some pillows and an old duvet down on the floor at the foot of my bed for them and I swear to you, they literally looked like two bugs in a rug, they were so cute!  
We said our good nights and I flicked off the light. It couldn't have been more than ten minutes later (I remember because that's about how long it takes me to get to sleep and I was just about out before I heard these two idiots) when I first heard it. It was a weird little half-grunt half-moan sound coming from the foot of my bed. At first I just ignored it, but then I heard it again followed by Vince's tiny voice:

"Shh! Not now, 'Oward! There's someone else in the room for Christ sake!"

I froze. I couldn't even breathe for a moment.

Relax, I told myself, maybe Howard only wants to do that little song thing they do sometimes. That crimping. Yeah. Something perfectly innocent like that! No need to kick your mind into the gutter, they---

"C'mon, little man! I'm sure he's asleep. I need you. It's been too long." came Howard's whispered reply and I knew then that this wasn't anything I wanted to be around to either hear or witness.

But what could I do?! I didn't want them to know I heard. They're two of my best mates and I wouldn't want them feelin' funny around me! So I laid there, squeezed my eyes shut and tried to close my ears, which (I don't know if you know this) is impossible. So I heard everything. I don't know if you want to hear it, Diary, but seeing as how you're just ornate paper and have no thoughts and feelings, I'll write it down for posterity. Also: It might be fun to read out loud at their wedding reception someday.

"'Oward, come off it! I should 'ave never taught you 'bout sex. You're like one of them Nymphs!" Vince whispered.

"Nymphs?!" Howard's voice was probably louder than he intended it to be, 'cause he was so confused.

"Yeah, you know: One'na them people who are---"

"Do you mean nymphomaniac, Vince?" Howard cut in.

"Yeah! One of them! I've made you into that!" Vince giggled.

Howard made of his trademark annoyed sounds. "You didn't make me into anything, Vince. It's always been there, bubbling just under the surface."

"What's been 'bubbling just under the surface'?!"

"This sexual beast, Sir! This virile---"

"You sure Leroy's asleep?" Vince interrupted this time.

"Pretty sure."

Then came the shuffling of the duvet. I'm glad I didn't follow my natural instinct to open one eye and glance down towards me feet, because after a short pause and more shuffling I heard Vince say:

"Yeah. Out like a light, the little lamb."

More shuffling. And then a moan.

"Mmm, God, Vince, do that again."

"What?" I heard Vince playing innocent like he does with birds at a party "This?"

Howard moaned again and I heard Vince shush him.

"Sorry! Just......GOD!"

Vince giggled. And then gasped. I always knew Howard was a sneaky one.

"Ah! 'Oward....don't. You're gunna make me come."

Howard's tone turned a bit devilish. "And you don't want to come, Vince?"

"Mmm....not just yet."

I heard more shuffling and a soft grunt from Howard.

"Pants, lose 'em." Howard again.

More shuffling. The snap of elastic on skin and a muffled yelp from Vince. Howard let out a throaty chuckle.

"S'not funny!" Vince whispered harshly.

"Is." Howard said before letting out a low growl in the back of his throat. "God! Do that with your tongue again, Vince."

I heard some truly obscene sucking noises mixed in with sounds the likes of which I'd never heard coming from Howard.

And then a noise I've heard come from Howard a lot: A groan of bereavement.

"Vince! Don't stop!"

I heard Vince giggle again and then things got a bit quiet. And then:

"Mmm.....oh......mmm....." Vince, clearly, putting on a show for Howard. Or at least I assume from the sounds of his breathy moans coupled with the wank noises and Howard's nearly silent desperation.

"Vince...." Howard warned.

The small sound of skin slapping skin stopped. "'Ere."

More sucking noises. Vince moaning. The noises stopped.

"Now just 'ang on a second, yeah? You great big Northern puddin'."

I nearly laughed out loud. Even during sex they're still just Vince and Howard. Who knew?!

I heard more moans from Vince and more wanting noises from Howard. I was able to deduce that Vince was.....preparing himself, if you will. I can't believe I'm actually blushing as I write this. Silly me!

Then I felt it. My bed shook. Not much. I probably wouldn't even have felt it if I were asleep. But since I wasn't, I caught it. I couldn't help myself--I chanced a glance towards the foor of my bed. In the scant illumination I was able to see Vince's hand gripping my foot board, his head bowed in concentration, knuckles growing even whiter in the moonlight.

"Mmmm.....nearly, 'Oward."

I closed my eyes. I didn't want to hope I was dreaming, because what kind of sick man dreams about his best mates getting off in front of him?!

I heard another shuffle and a small "EEK!" from Vince and had to open my eyes again. I did just in time to see Howard switch their positions, flipping Vince onto his back.

Again, I closed my eyes.

I heard a heavy exhalation from Vince and then: "Yeah yeah yeah yeah, just.....mmmm! God, Howard, deeper, yeah?"

Howard growled. The desperate rhythm of skin slapping skin began again. "Oh! Yesss!" Howard hissed.

"AH! THERE! THERE HOWARD!"

I don't think they were even trying to be quiet anymore, really.

Howard let out another growl that nearly had me convinced that, yes, maybe he was some kind of sexual beast. "Come! Come for me, Vince!"

I heard a loud bump, which must have been somebody's head against my foot board and then Vince letting out a tirade of curse words and moans. Clearly, he taught Howard well.

The student, as it were, let out a long, low moan that ended in a 'UGHAAHHH!" after a few more of those slapping sounds, apparently riding out the rest of his orgasm.

I heard the sound of heavy limbs falling against carpet and them trying to get their breath back.

They calmed after a few minutes. Then they crimped about oranges and grapes.

Before long, Howard was snoring.

I cracked open one eyelid and checked the clock: 6.19 a.m.

Strangest night of my life!

 

PS: Just did the math, Diary. We all retired to bed around 3.30. Do you know how many hours they kept at it?! I just may need to find myself my own Northern jazzy freak!


End file.
